What doesn't kill you, makes you more creative
Wandering words and swirling sentences. Yes, one day they’ll fill a book.
They’ll be printed amongst those magnolia leaves of paper, bound together. I’ll scan the busy bookshelves and when it appears, I’ll say to myself, “can you believe I *finally* did it?”
For years I’ve filled notebooks with words. Sometimes these words spill effortlessly onto the page, and these are the moments which make me the happiest. But more often than not, creative flow disappears in a cloud of smoke and I struggle to find her again. And, as someone who likes routine, the chaoticness of creativity can make me feel like I’m tumbling down the rabbit hole.
Writing gives me solace but it’s slow. Often it feels like I’m nowhere near where I want to be. It feels futile. And, I’ve been close to giving up, so many times. But to write and to create is truly where my happiness in this world lies, which is why I’ll always find the time for it. It’s a quiet, lonely process but it’s a great one. The alchemy of words.
It’s taken me many years to say I am a writer with confidence. In the constant pursuit of ways to write regardless of money throughout my life. I write obsessively. I’m surrounded by piles of books, burying myself behind them, like a fortress. Forever learning from writers I admire. Inhaling as many words as I can. Working to hone my craft. Because when the words click together, when I paint a picture and create a world through words alone, when the words slot perfectly next to each other like lego, that’s *it* for me.
The older I get, I place more pressure on myself, time is running out…the worry growing even though you refuse to water it. In this fast paced world, we want that quick hit of gratification but I know even if it seems like I’m going nowhere, incrementally I am going somewhere. And the time, the worries, the questioning of whether I’m doing the right thing, I will instead feed this energy into my writing. I will continue to work until that moment when I wander into the bookstore on a Saturday and see my novel right there too. And, when I get home, I’ll proudly place it on top of that fortress of books.